Deconstructing Jealousy: A Somatic Approach to Security in Polyamory

Jealousy is one of the most misunderstood emotions in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships. For many, it’s treated as proof of love—something to soothe, fix, or suppress. But jealousy isn’t a flaw to eliminate; it’s a messenger. When we learn to listen to it through the body rather than just the mind, jealousy becomes a doorway to deeper self-knowledge and authentic security.

In polyamory, where multiple attachments exist simultaneously, jealousy can appear more frequently and more vividly. It can be triggered by a partner’s date night, a text message, or even a passing comment. Yet the emotional intensity of jealousy doesn’t mean something is wrong with the relationship. It means something inside you is asking to be met.

Honest, grounded conversation is the foundation of security in polyamory.

Reframing Jealousy as a Teacher

In many traditional relationship models, jealousy is treated as proof that a boundary has been crossed or that a relationship is under threat. But in poly-inclusive frameworks, like the one laid out in More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, jealousy is understood as just another internal signal—a composite emotion often made up of fear, insecurity, grief, and sometimes anger.

When we strip jealousy down to its parts, we often find a longing for safety and significance underneath. The body is saying, “I need to know I still matter.”

Instead of treating jealousy as an enemy to overcome, we can approach it as a somatic message from parts of ourselves that crave reassurance, belonging, and care.

From a somatic and trauma-informed perspective, jealousy often arises when our attachment system perceives danger. A nervous system that once learned love equals scarcity, competition, or abandonment will interpret a partner’s new connection as a threat. Understanding this isn’t about fault—it’s about compassion for the body’s conditioning.

The Nervous System and the Story of Scarcity

When jealousy floods the body, it’s rarely just about what’s happening in the present. It’s about old survival strategies re-emerging. Maybe you learned as a child that attention was scarce, that love was earned, or that security depended on being “the chosen one.”

Polyamory can challenge these old neural pathways. When your partner’s love expands to include another, your nervous system might translate it as loss. Even if your rational mind knows you are safe, the body doesn’t always believe it.

Somatic therapy helps bridge this gap between understanding and feeling. The body must experience safety—not just think about it. This means tracking sensations, slowing down, and offering the nervous system the reassurance it never got before.

Try this: when jealousy arises, pause and notice where it lives in your body. Is it tightness in your chest? Heat in your face? Nausea in your stomach? Instead of trying to reason your way out of the feeling, turn toward it. Place a hand where you feel it most and breathe into that space. Remind yourself: This is my body remembering scarcity. I am safe in this moment.

Somatic Practices for Working with Jealousy

1. Grounding Before Dialogue

Before trying to talk through jealousy with your partner, ground yourself. The goal isn’t to suppress the feeling but to bring your nervous system into a state where connection is possible.

• Feel your feet on the floor.

• Lengthen your exhales.

• Orient your eyes around the room, naming colors or textures.

• Place one hand on your chest and one on your belly to anchor awareness.

From this grounded place, you can share what’s happening internally rather than projecting blame outward.

2. Tracking Body Cues

Notice how jealousy moves through your body. Does it pulse, expand, tighten, or freeze? Somatic awareness allows you to locate where the fear lives and begin to regulate it directly.

You might notice:

• A knot in your throat (wanting to speak but fearing rejection)

• Heat in your face (anger or shame)

• A hollow belly (loss or fear of being replaced)

Once identified, gently breathe into that area, imagining space expanding around the sensation. The goal isn’t to make it disappear but to bring warmth and curiosity to it. This is how you begin to teach your body that emotional intensity doesn’t equal danger.

3. Reparenting Through Touch and Voice

When jealousy arises, you can self-soothe through touch, tone, and movement. Talk to yourself as you would a scared child:

“You’re okay. You’re loved. You’re not being abandoned.”

This might sound simple, but these micro-moments of reassurance rewire attachment pathways. The more often you meet jealousy with care, the more your body learns that love can expand without loss.

4. Somatic Boundary Work

Jealousy often reveals where our boundaries are unclear or unmet. Somatic boundary work—using physical imagery and felt sense—helps clarify where your “yes” and “no” live in the body.

Try visualizing a circle of light around you. Notice how close or far others can come before your body tenses. That sensation is your intuitive boundary. When you’re grounded in it, you can communicate boundaries without defensiveness.

In polyamory, boundaries can feel fluid and complex. Somatic clarity helps ensure that boundaries come from self-trust, not fear or control.

Moving from Comparison to Curiosity

Jealousy often shows up as comparison: She’s prettier. He’s funnier. They’re more interesting. But comparison is usually a displacement of longing. What you admire—or fear losing—is often something you desire to experience or express yourself.

Instead of collapsing into comparison, turn curiosity inward.

• What is this person showing me about what I value?

• What part of me feels unseen or unmet?

• Is this an opportunity to expand my own expression?

From a somatic lens, curiosity is a regulation skill. It signals safety to the nervous system and opens space for learning rather than defensiveness.

Polyamory invites us to hold the paradox that love is both abundant and vulnerable. Curiosity helps us inhabit that tension gracefully.

Jealousy invites us to hold our hearts gently—to meet fear with warmth and curiosity rather than control.

Building Felt Security in Polyamory

Security in polyamory doesn’t mean never feeling jealous again—it means having the internal tools to meet jealousy with awareness instead of reactivity.

1. Anchor in Self-Trust

Security starts within. In moments of jealousy, remind yourself of your worthiness independent of any partner’s attention. Somatic anchoring—placing a hand over your heart or repeating grounding phrases—helps reinforce this sense of self.

2. Seek Co-Regulation, Not Validation

It’s natural to want reassurance when jealousy hits, but constant external validation can feed dependency rather than safety. Instead, aim for co-regulation: letting a partner’s presence soothe your body while you also practice self-soothing.

For example, you might say, “Can we sit together while I calm my body?” rather than “Tell me you still love me.” This subtle shift keeps both partners grounded in mutual responsibility.

3. Normalize Emotional Waves

Even the most emotionally secure people feel jealous sometimes. Treat jealousy as weather—something that passes through rather than defines you. This normalization dismantles shame and fosters relational honesty.

4. Communicate Honestly and Often

Security deepens through dialogue. Longtime practitioners of polyamory often emphasize the central importance of communication for relationship success.

The research backs this up: a 2019 study Communication and Emotion Regulation as Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction Among Monogamous and Consensually Non-Monogamous Individuals (Tonkov, University of Twente), found that open and transparent communication was a stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction in CNM relationships than in monogamous relationships.

In other words, polyamorous relationships thrive when emotions are named and processed together, not hidden or minimized. Somatically, honest communication acts as co-regulation—two nervous systems synchronizing in safety through presence, tone, and pacing.

The Role of the Therapist in Poly-Inclusive Care

Many therapists, trained in monogamy-centric models, inadvertently reinforce jealousy as pathology or as a sign that polyamory “isn’t working.” Poly-inclusive therapy recognizes jealousy as a normal, workable emotion.

A therapist grounded in somatic and attachment-based frameworks can help clients:

• Map nervous system responses to relational triggers

• Identify parts or subpersonalities activated by perceived threat

• Build capacity for both self-regulation and co-regulation

• Distinguish between genuine boundary violations and old attachment wounds

Rather than focusing solely on behavioral strategies (“communicate more,” “set clearer rules”), somatic therapy helps the body learn what safety feels like—so that love can expand without activating panic.

Transforming Jealousy Into Growth

When jealousy is met with somatic awareness, it becomes a compass for growth. It points toward unhealed places—parts that need reassurance, care, and sometimes grief.

For example:

• If jealousy reveals a fear of being forgotten, it invites you to tend to your need for visibility.

• If it exposes envy of a partner’s new joy, it may signal where your own life wants expansion.

• If it stirs old abandonment fears, it’s an opportunity to offer the love and presence your younger self never received.

Over time, jealousy can transform from a threat signal into a reminder to return to yourself. This is the essence of embodied security.

Somatics Meets Polyamory IN Practice

Polyamory is not just an intellectual lifestyle choice—it’s a somatic practice of expansion. It asks your body to stretch its tolerance for uncertainty, change, and vulnerability. Without grounding in the body, that expansion can feel chaotic.

Integration means moving slowly, letting your nervous system catch up with your ideals. You can’t think your way into polyamorous security; you have to feel your way there.

Here are a few integration practices:

• Body Scans After Big Conversations: Notice lingering sensations and offer soothing touch or movement.

• Movement Rituals: Dance, shake, or stretch to release jealousy from the body rather than ruminating mentally.

• Journaling With the Body: Before writing, take a few minutes to breathe and track sensations—then let your body’s truth guide the words.

• Polyamory as Practice, Not Performance: Progress isn’t measured by how little jealousy you feel, but by how compassionately you meet it.

Practicing Discernment: Finding the Right Structure for Your Nervous System

While jealousy doesn’t automatically mean you or your partner “can’t” do polyamory, it’s also not a sign of failure if the structure itself feels overwhelming. Each person has a different nervous system, attachment history, and window of tolerance. For some, polyamory becomes a path of healing and expansion; for others, it may create more distress than growth.

There is nothing inherently more “evolved” about polyamory—or monogamy. Both are valid containers for love, and both can be practiced consciously or unconsciously. What matters is discernment: paying attention to what your body, mind, and heart are communicating about your capacity right now.

You might ask yourself:

• Am I expanding my capacity for connection, or am I consistently overwhelmed?

• Is this structure helping me grow, or is it depleting my sense of safety?

• Do I feel more regulated and fulfilled, or more anxious and disconnected?

Polyamory, when practiced somatically, invites ongoing self-inquiry. The goal isn’t to “transcend jealousy,” but to cultivate relationships—of any structure—that honor your body’s truth.

Embodying Abundance

The opposite of jealousy isn’t detachment—it’s abundance. In secure polyamory, love expands not by diminishing one connection, but by deepening everyone’s sense of belonging.

Somatic awareness grounds that abundance in the body. When your nervous system knows you are safe, loved, and significant, another person’s joy no longer feels like your loss—it becomes part of the shared ecosystem of connection.

As you deconstruct jealousy, remember: your body isn’t your enemy. It’s your oldest protector, trying to keep you safe. When you meet jealousy with breath, curiosity, and compassion, you’re not erasing it—you’re teaching it that love can be wide enough to include everyone, including you.

Deepen Safety, Desire, and Connection in Polyamory

If you’re exploring jealousy, compersion, or relational safety in non-monogamy, somatic therapy can help you work with the body’s wisdom rather than against it.

Learn more about my approach to embodied relationship work on my Kink & Poly Inclusive Therapy page.