Managing Inner Conflict: polarizations in ifs

Sep 19

One of the more surprising—and honestly exhausting—things that happens once you start doing deep inner work is realizing just how much internal conflict you’re carrying.

Not just confusion.
Not just uncertainty.
But full-on internal war.

There’s a part of you that really wants to set a boundary—and another part that’s immediately like, “Who do you think you are?”

There’s the perfectionist part who wants everything flawless, and the rebel part who refuses to follow any rules.
There’s a part that wants to quit your job and live off-grid—and a part that panics at the idea of not having dental insurance.
There’s a part that longs to be held—and a part that doesn’t trust anyone enough to get close.

Welcome to polarization in Internal Family Systems (IFS): when two or more parts are locked in opposition, both trying to protect you—and both making the other’s life hell.

What Is a Polarization?

In IFS, we work from the understanding that we’re all made up of many parts. These parts form in response to our life experiences, especially early ones, and each one holds a unique role: protector, caretaker, rebel, achiever, critic, wounded child, and so on.

A polarization happens when two parts are working from completely different strategies and see each other as a threat.

It’s not just internal disagreement—it’s a power struggle.
And it’s usually loud, circular, and emotionally exhausting.

Common Examples of Polarizations

The Perfectionist vs. The Rebel
One wants to do everything right and avoid criticism. The other is tired of being controlled and wants freedom at all costs.
The Inner Critic vs. The Wounded Child
The critic is trying to toughen you up. The inner child feels crushed and wants space to be vulnerable.
The Caretaker vs. The Boundary-Setter
One part is terrified of being abandoned if you stop pleasing others. The other is furious you keep saying yes when you don’t mean it.
The Addictive Part vs. The Shamer
One part uses substances, food, or screens to soothe. Another part lashes out with shame or disgust in response.

These polarizations can shape our behaviors, our relationships, and our identities. And unless we learn to work with them, they tend to keep us stuck—repeating the same patterns over and over again.

Why Polarized Parts Fight

Polarized parts are not inherently bad. In fact, they’re usually trying to protect you from different kinds of pain.

Let’s say one part wants you to speak up in your relationship. It believes silence is killing your connection.

But another part is terrified of what will happen if you express yourself. Maybe it remembers childhood experiences where voicing your needs led to punishment, abandonment, or shame.

So the first part pushes you to be bold—while the second part pulls you back into quiet. You flip-flop. You feel exhausted. Nothing changes.

And underneath all of it? A younger part—an exile—still holds the pain these two parts are trying to prevent.

The Goal Isn’t Agreement—It’s Understanding

Here’s the mistake many people make when they encounter polarized parts: they try to pick a side.

They side with the part that wants to set boundaries, and try to override the part that’s afraid.
They side with the rebel and try to exile the perfectionist.
They pick the part that feels more “evolved,” more palatable, or more aligned with who they want to be.

But in IFS, we don’t force parts to change. We listen to them. We help them feel heard, understood, and less burdened.
And when parts feel safe enough to relax, they naturally become less extreme.

The goal isn’t to eliminate one part and empower the other—it’s to help them depolarize.
To see that they don’t actually have to be at war.

How to Work with Polarizations

Here are some gentle, step-by-step ways to begin exploring polarized parts:

1. Notice the Pattern

Start by naming the tug-of-war. What’s happening inside you? What are the opposing forces?

“There’s a part of me that wants to rest, and another part that’s shaming me for being lazy.”
“There’s a part of me that wants to connect with this person, and another part that wants to ghost them immediately.”

Get specific. Give each part a little breathing room. Try to describe what they believe, what they feel like, how they behave.

2. Unblend

If you’re fully merged with one part, you won’t be able to hear the other. Try to create a little internal space. You might say:

“I’m noticing this part of me is really loud right now—but it’s just a part.”
“Can I be curious about this without becoming it?”

It can help to imagine these parts as characters sitting in a room with you, rather than speaking as them.

3. Meet with Each Part Separately

Let each part speak, one at a time. Ask:

What are you trying to protect me from?
When did you first learn you needed to do this job?
What are you afraid would happen if you stopped?

Be honest: these parts are usually working their asses off to keep you safe in a world that wasn’t always safe. Treat them with respect.

4. Acknowledge Their Fear of Each Other

This is where it gets interesting. Ask each part what it thinks about the other part.

Sometimes you’ll hear,

“If I don’t stay in control, they’ll destroy everything.”
Or,
“If I don’t fight back, they’ll keep me in a box forever.”

Let them speak their fears. Most polarized parts don’t actually hate each other—they’re just terrified of what will happen if the other part wins.

5. Invite Them into Collaboration (Eventually)

This is not about forcing peace. But once both parts feel seen and heard, you can start to ask questions like:

Is there any world in which both of you could step back a little?
Could you let me try something different and just observe what happens?
What would it take for you to trust each other even a little bit?

This is slow work. But over time, parts begin to soften. They realize they’re not alone anymore. They start to trust that you—the Self—can lead.

Try for Yourself

Here’s a guided meditation that will walk you through the steps for working through a polarization using IFS.

A Final Word

Polarizations are not a sign of failure. They’re a sign of survival.
They mean your system has multiple strategies for protecting you—and none of them trust each other yet.

But with time, curiosity, and care, these inner battlegrounds can become places of negotiation, creativity, and healing.

When your parts stop fighting, your energy comes back.
Your clarity sharpens.
Your inner world starts to feel less like a war zone and more like a village.
And you get to be the one who holds it all.