When Sex Stops, Shame Takes Over: How Couples can get unstuck

For many couples, sex doesn’t end with a dramatic rupture.

It thins out. Quietly. Gradually. Almost politely.

Weeks pass. Then months. Eventually, sex becomes the thing neither partner knows how to approach without fear - fear of rejection, pressure, conflict, or confirming something deeply painful. What often fills that space isn’t just frustration or grief. It’s shame.

And once shame takes over, couples can feel frozen in place.

The good news is this: many (upwards of 40%) long-term couples find themselves here at some point. And while it can feel deeply discouraging, this stuckness is not a dead end. With the right approach, it is absolutely possible to find a way forward.

Sexual disconnection in long-term relationships is often less about desire itself and more about safety, meaning, and emotional closeness.

When Sex Stops, It’s Rarely About Sex

When sex fades in a relationship, it’s easy to assume the problem is desire itself. But more often, sexual disconnection is a symptom, not the cause.

There are many reasons a couple’s sex life can slowly peter out.

Years of co-parenting can push erotic connection to the margins as energy goes toward survival, logistics, and care. Health changes, such as stress, aging, shifting hormones, or medication, can dampen libido and change how desire shows up in the body. Relational ruptures, even subtle or long past ones, can quietly erode trust and make closeness feel less safe.

Add chronic stress, unresolved resentment, exhaustion, or slipping into rigid roles—caretaker, parent, manager—and it’s no surprise that sex becomes harder to access.

In these moments, the body isn’t failing. It’s responding. Pulling back from sex is often an intelligent, protective move when something in the relationship no longer feels safe, spacious, or alive enough to open toward.

Seen this way, loss of sex isn’t the problem—it’s information. And when couples learn to listen to what it’s pointing toward, rather than forcing desire back online, they create the conditions for intimacy to return in a way that’s more honest and sustainable.

Sex Means Different Things to Different People

One of the most overlooked reasons couples get stuck around sex is that sex does not mean the same thing to each partner.

For some people, sex is a primary pathway to connection. It brings reassurance, grounding, closeness, and a felt sense of being wanted. When someone like this tries to initiate sex, they are often saying “I want to feel closer to you.” Their desire may arise spontaneously and feel essential to relational wellbeing.

For others, sex is something that emerges after connection is already present. Desire may be more responsive—dependent on relaxation, emotional attunement, safety, novelty, or play. When these conditions aren’t met, sex can feel effortful, pressured, or even invasive, regardless of love or attraction.

Neither way of experiencing desire is wrong. They reflect different nervous systems, attachment histories, and meanings assigned to intimacy. For a concise overview of this concept, see psychologist Dr. Elizabeth Perri’s article What’s Your Sexual Desire Style?

But when these differences aren’t understood or named, curiosity often gives way to interpretation. And that’s where things start to tighten.

Shame Moves In Where Curiosity Leaves

Once sex becomes difficult or absent, shame tends to rush in to explain why.

Shame tells simple, brutal stories:

• I’m broken.

• I’m undesirable.

• I’m failing as a partner.

• If I were different, this wouldn’t be happening.

Both partners usually carry shame, just in different forms.

• The partner who wants more sex may feel unwanted, needy, or unlovable.

• The partner who wants less sex may feel defective, withholding, or chronically disappointing.

Instead of asking “What might be happening between us?” or “What does sex mean to each of us right now?” couples begin monitoring themselves and each other. Sex stops being a shared experience and becomes a referendum on worth.

Shame thrives in this environment because it collapses nuance. It turns difference into failure and complexity into blame.

Desire Discrepancy and the Pursue–Withdraw Loop

Over time, differences in how desire works often solidify into roles.

One partner moves toward sex to restore closeness, reassurance, or aliveness.
The other moves away to preserve autonomy, reduce pressure, or protect themselves from overwhelm.

The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws.
The more one withdraws, the more the other escalates.

Neither partner is wrong. They are responding to the same relationship through different nervous system needs—connection on one side, safety and space on the other. But shame hardens this polarity. Each interaction becomes less about the present moment and more about defending against what sex has come to mean.

Why Taking Sex Off the Table Can Be So Helpful

One of the most counterintuitive—and often relieving—steps for couples is to temporarily take sex off the table, by mutual agreement.

When sex is charged, every touch carries pressure:

• Is this leading somewhere?

• Am I expected to perform?

• Am I about to disappoint you?

For the partner whose desire has become more responsive or shut down, this pressure alone can keep the body braced. For the partner who desires more sex, the constant uncertainty can feel destabilizing and painful.

Pausing goal-oriented sex creates immediate nervous system relief. It allows couples to reconnect without evaluation or outcome. This isn’t about giving up on sex—it’s about creating the conditions for desire to return.

Ironically, desire often reappears once it’s no longer being chased.

Play and curiosity can soften rigidity and help restore emotional and embodied connection when intimacy feels stuck.

Rebuilding Intimacy Without Performance

When sex is paused, building intimacy shouldn’t be.

This phase is often an opportunity to strengthen the parts of the relationship that actually support desire:

• Non-sexual affection with clear agreements

• Emotional attunement and repair

• Shared rituals and moments of presence

• Curiosity about each other’s inner worlds

• Appreciation that isn’t contingent on sex

As the relationship begins to feel warmer, safer, and more alive, the body often follows.

Here are a few ideas for how to build intimacy without centering sex.

Sensate Focus: Touch Without Stakes

Sensate focus can be a powerful bridge back toward embodied intimacy—especially when shame and desire discrepancy have taken hold.

In sensate focus, touch is slow, structured, and intentionally non-goal-oriented. There is no expectation of arousal, intercourse, or orgasm. Partners take turns giving and receiving touch, focusing on sensation rather than performance.

For the partner with more responsive desire, this allows arousal to emerge organically. For the partner with more spontaneous desire, it offers a way to stay connected without escalating into pressure. Touch becomes information again, not a test.

For many couples, this is the first time touch has felt safe in a long while.

bringing play back into the relationship

Shame thrives in seriousness.
Eroticism thrives in play.

Play replaces judgment with curiosity and correctness with experimentation. It softens rigid roles and invites partners to meet each other as humans again—not problems to be solved.

Laughter, awkwardness, teasing, and exploration without a script are often the doorway back to aliveness. Sex doesn’t want to be audited. It wants to be invited.

Reintroducing play doesn’t mean forcing silliness or pretending things aren’t hard. In adult relationships, play is about creating low-stakes moments where nothing needs to be fixed or lead anywhere—wandering without a destination, flirting without expectation, touching with curiosity rather than intention.

Esther Perel—the widely acclaimed couples therapist and bestselling author—herself emphasizes the idea that play and eroticism are essential to sustaining intimacy.

As pressure decreases and curiosity increases, the nervous system relaxes, roles loosen, and intimacy has room to return—naturally, and on its own timeline.

Other Somatic Tools That Support Desire and Intimacy

When shame and pressure have been present for a long time, insight alone isn’t enough. The body needs repeated experiences of safety, agency, and choice to relearn that intimacy doesn’t require bracing or performance. This is where somatic approaches can be especially helpful.

Numerous other approaches for getting unstuck through a somatic lens are detailed in Navigating Desire Discrepancy with Somatic Sex Therapy.

Sex Comes Back Through Repair, Not Pressure

Sexual disconnection doesn’t mean a relationship is broken. More often, it means the relationship is asking for recalibration—of safety, autonomy, meaning, and play.

When couples stop forcing sex and start examining what sex means to each of them, curiosity returns. And when curiosity returns, shame loosens its grip.

Desire doesn’t come back through effort or performance.
It comes back through repair.

And that kind of repair is possible—even after long periods of distance.

Want Support Finding Your Way Back?

If you and your partner feel stuck around sex, desire, or intimacy, you don’t have to navigate it alone. I work with individuals and couples using a somatic, shame-aware approach that slows things down and helps intimacy re-emerge without pressure or blame.

If you’re curious about exploring this work together, you can learn more about my approach or schedule a free consultation.